thought

.i do not want to experience death to know the value of life.

grace

They sit closer than a foot from each other, but stand more than worlds apart. One's eyes stricken towards the ground while the other stares back at him, looking for something to grasp, a piece of hope, forgiveness. Pleads of guilt and remorse echo from one face to another. Two young boys, one deemed less than human, the other wrestling to reconcile the world he hears, and the world he sees.

A few short phrases - a denial of a gift; the disowning of a friendship - never had such consequences. Day after day the boy returns to the familiar meeting place only to greet an empty seat across the fence. Every hour loneliness finds shame as he hears his own words of betrayal, wondering if he ushered in the death of his only friend whom he is conditioned to hate, but only feels love. He continues to hold on to hope, with the prospect of again seeing the only thing that seemed to make sense, the boy continues to return wanting, hoping, waiting.

A dream becoming reality, feeling as though his heart joined his stomach, the boy never thought of what he would say, only prayed he could say anything at all. Excruciating silence acted as a wall between the two boys, being lifted by 'I'm sorry'. Unblemished memories of a betrayal and denial of his person flooded his mind, infinite reasons to forever end the forbidden friendship that had held them both together.

Peeling his eyes from the ground, the physical repercussions of his friends words are revealed. It wasn't the pain from a beating that was displayed on this young boy's face. A pain brought on by the shattering of relationship gripped his somber appearance. Again, from across the fence, the words 'I'm sorry; are we still friends?' are uttered. An eternity of thought followed. The silence and the pain were interrupted and broken by a toothless grin, 'of course we are!'

this is grace.
this is love.

*scene from the movie 'The Boy in Stryped Pajamas'

Frustrating frustration

I sit in a coffee shop often, pretending to study, looking at people walk, talk, interact, and begin to wonder and imagine the lives they've lived, the dreams they've had, the things they love, the things they love to hate. I often get caught up in listening to conversations and think why do some people live in frustration?

I sit and listen to discussions on politics, school policies, movies, friends, family, work, and most of what is talked about is what the person hates about whatever they are talking about. Why President Bush is the worst president ever and Senator Obama will lead us into the warm arms of the anti-christ if he isn't him himself. I think of Gandhi writing "become the change we want to see. ... be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become" and I consider the idea that if I am not willing to shoulder the responsibility of seeing change, then I am not in position to denounce or condemn.

I want to be a frustrator of the frustrated. I want joy and peace to be the tattoos of my life, unable to take them off. I want to swim upstream, I want life.

I am going to be the change I want to see; I am going to live as I want to become; I am going to be free.

Am

These are the thoughts that have possessed me this week:

What goes into how I act, what I say, how I react, how I respond, who I am? Is this what personality is made of, or is this what pain and fear designed in me? I refuse to say "its just the way I am" because I'm not sure I know what the 'am' is in me.

Over the last month or two, I have attempted to be intentional with how I react and respond to people, ideas, conversations, and situations as the person I want to be, rather than the person I feel that I am. 'You will become who you think you are' - the phrase daily rings in my head.

How much of who I reveal to be is based out of pain, is founded in fear, is focused on not being, rather than becoming? Am I so focused on who I do not want to be that I miss on becoming everything that could be me? I often see myself in retro-spec to a situation where I reacted to someone or something poorly because of an emotional scar from years ago where I said 'I will never again trust here, never again will I love like this'. I find myself running from something or someone because I am afraid to be rejected, because it feels like a place, a situation, a moment that I have lived before, where I was rejected, where pain defined began to define me.

Can I become a person who does not react from the past, who knows no object in fear, who sees himself as who he is destined to become instead of the lies he has believed about himself? This is who I will become - This is who I am

.I am not motivated by fear.

.I am not dictated by pain.

.I move mountains.

.I am favored.

.I am love.