The back of the book

5 days remain in my sojourn as a resident in Redding. Mixed emotions have become a staple in recent months. There is a sadness that is triggered when I think of the people I'm leaving, the experiences I've had, the opportunities left to fall. Then there is an excitement, a feeling of freedom; not going to a new place, but to a familiar home, a new person.

An uncontrollable smile was what I came to Redding with. Filled with excitement and curiosity to experience life on my own, to grow up, to try and fail, to learn then succeed. A quiet arrogance, that I had Jesus and life figured out, possessed me. I had been entrusted to carry and release His fragrance like these students had never experienced. I was confident, or so I thought, in reality, I was ignorant.

A frustrating year of not seeing a movement rise like I had seen in my dreams. A summer followed of heartache and betrayal. The plug was pulled on my emotions, my confidence, my identity was swallowed. The only thing I needed was to return to the haven that I loved, a place where I could be free again, but the return was different. The unscathed smile was forgotten. A hollow shell of what first came one year before was all that remained.

Stripped of knowledge, emotion, confidence, I forgot how to be loved, I forgot how to be happy, I had forgotten how to be sad, I forgot how to feel, I forgot who I was. Dreams were shattered, I was unsure of what it meant to be Andrew, and I hear these words "the fastest way to stop the hurting, is to stop feeling" - shutting it all down to avoid the painful. It was time to rebuild.

Round three, a summer spent with cautioned guard, unwilling to repeat the previous story. A reformation ensued; becoming stronger; rediscovering value. Hours pass searching with my eyes closed and face buried in the ground. Direction is what I wanted, identity is what I found. Posing questions of where and what, getting answers of who. Sifting through and burning away fear and pain to find the authenticity in the person who makes me.

The possessing false confidence that lacked humility had been broken and replaced. Poise in who He is, assurance in the numbered steps, humility to face who I am not, loved for who I am, and the pursuit of the realization as the man He and I dreamed about.

I am Andrew Paul Hogg.

Arizona I hope you are ready.

I am back.

Conversations

I’m finding the simplest way to diverting my focus in prayer is turning my awareness from Him towards myself. It is to keep myself watching my own mind and trying to produce feelings in respect to the prayer in which I’m praying. When I am expressing repentance and walking into forgiveness, to start manufacturing feelings for myself of forgiveness. When praying for boldness, to discredit my prayer unless I can produce some kind of courageous feeling to hold the coattails of my prayers. It is an attempt to assess the value of my prayer based on the intensity of emotional response I feel post-prayer; never considering how the internal feelings related are subject to my current physical state or whether or not I am tired, sick, or well.

What is the object in which I am directing my thoughts and concerns, my requests and needs, my hopes and my dreams? It is a composition of genuine and ridiculous invalid ingredients. It is the influence of culture, people, scripture, experience, my own person, and unknowingly long list. What would it look like, how would my intimacy shape if I could consciously order my prayers as not what I think He is but as what He knows himself to be?

I want to set aside all my thoughts and images, or at least, fully recognize their natural subjectivity and completely develop confidence in the external, invisible Presence with me in the room.

I want to find this unaffected nakedness in prayer.