Uncertait

Today was the completion of my first day as a college graduate. I am already sick of hearing the question: "How does it feel?" But it is inevitable when anyone realizes what happened this last weekend. It feels great to have accomplished, almost a feeling of arrival, coupled with the desire to want more; to want to learn more; to want to be more; not wanting to settle as achieved, but to achieve greater now.

It is also terrifing. I have all that was concretely planned for my life. Yet there are still things that I know that I will achieve and become, but a fear of not knowing how those will come about grips me. I have been working for this moment for so long, now that it is here - what is next? How do I bridge the gap of my dreams and future to my current reality?

I feel like a batter trudging from the on-deck circle to the batter's box, ready to swing but unable to see where the ball will go. I've been practicing for years, sitting in the dugout, watching, waiting for my opportunity; I'm working to find the balance in patience and aggressiveness. Thoughts of failure race through my mind, but everything that I am knows I am designed for success.

I know that I just need to rest and let the game come to me. A friend of mine said: "Rest is not the absence of activity - but the presence of peace". Provision has never been absent in my life, nevertheless, uncertainty still remains my biggest adversary.


I have been set up to trust.

Counterfeit?

Sitting in my class, faithfully discussing the intricacies of a language that is no longer in existent, inevitably we detour to a discussion on the character and nature of God from the ink on the page. Quietly I sit in the back, more focused on preventing my head from bobbing than engaging in the class, knowing the inevitable destination of our conversation. Slowly, but definitely the ideas return to the familiar place of what God is not, rather than what God is.

Agendas shift to proving what some label as from God, as expressively fake. Listening, I begin to wonder, are we more comfortable and more apt to focus on what we think we can prove is not God than what we know is God? I wonder why we are willing to limit the limitless based on our frugal minds and emotional experiences. I wonder.

The Almighty I serve has no limits. The Faithful I follow has never been known routine. The phenomenon who knows my name is unique in all that is Him. The willing pattern to base the another's experience on my own encounter as the drawing board for validation is a common but limiting cycle. I am unwilling to judge another's testimony based on my knowledge through experience. If all future actions of God can fit within my experience and within the comprehension of my mind, at 22 years of age, I have thus experienced all there is. If I find it necessary to throw around the labels such as fake or counterfeit because I do not understand, if this is all there is, I want out.

But I know that there is more. I know an argument cannot debate with an experience. I know an argument is only one experience away from changing the argument. I know my praise is not contingent on counterfeit, I praise when its real, I praise when its not.

I know.

dream

I often have a difficult time engaging in the present. That is, being satisfied with where I am, what I am, what I am accomplishing. The thoughts that consume me are of what is next, where am I going, am I doing to become, or am I simply wasting days, wasting breath.

.i dream.

This mindset often becomes a drawback as I am most always looking to accomplish. I am bored if I am not progressing. This allows me to rarely become stagnant in anything I do, but pushes me to work outside of appropriate timing. Soon I will have opportunities to choose a ministry to assume leadership over. I want nothing more than for people to have an encounter that changes their lives forever in an instant. I want nothing more than to engage in the presence so much that those whom I simply brush shoulders with are consumed with the power that saves nations. I want the world to know...

The laboring images haunt me of failure, boredom, insufficiency. Time to time I pray the simple prayer "God, I don't want to suck". How can I move His presence into my group; how can I transform a group into a movement; what can I do that will make You stay; how can I?

.i can't.

Laying on the ground, arguing my desires with the undeniable need for Him to interact for my hope to be achieved, I hear these words "just be flammable".


.i will.

developing thought

I listen to people say how 'unable' they are, how much they mess up, how they are nothing. These are people whom I trust, value, and learn from. But is this what humility is? I recognize that without the hand of God on my life, I am nothing; without the Lord I cannot move, I cannot breathe, the very essence of my being is held together by Him every second. But who I am, what my identity is, entirely is motivated and connect to God.

On this earth, there is not a single person who is not innately linked to God, believer or not. God is apart of me just as my blood is apart of me, without it, I cannot not live. This is not a cry of desperation, but a physical reality that without the presence, literally I believe I would not be apart of this earth. Why then would I express that I am nothing, that I do not measure up, why am I identifying myself outside of the presence? He is apart of me and I should not be so ignorant to label myself outside of him.

I was designed in the image, I was created in the mold of greatness, this is who I am, not who I will become. Death is not my destiny, nor is it my savior. I am not a sinner, I have been redeemed and set free, and his redemption is complete, perfect, and does not stop. I have been made new, therefore, I do not have the right to catalog as one who is incomplete, inadequate, and unable. I do mess up, I do make poor decisions; but this is not who I am.

Outside of the presence I cannot find my identity, I cannot be described outside of him and me, me and him.

Done.

.the church is wasting its authority to raise the dead on raising the old self.


whoa.

hope

Entering the last semester of my undergraduate course work, the inevitable question is asked at minimum five times daily, "What are your plans for next year?"The honest answer remains 'I don't know' although I often find it fun to dream up extraordinary stories and see if the person I'm talking to will really believe that I'm going to return to manage the orphanage I established in Africa a few years ago, or attempt to revive my career as a freestyle bmx rider which I gave up to go to Simpson. Nevertheless, with their varying response to my ultimate reply of 'I don't know' I've begun to wonder, do I really need a plan?

At some point in everyday, I ask for an increase of my ability to find the voice, to recognize the presence. I am trying to live my life daily according to the voice, rather than the expectations. I do not subscribe to the thought that every decision should be made only by what he tells you to do. But I am trying to take on his mind, I am trying learn to think his thoughts. At some point, in any relationship that continues to grow, you no longer need to talk directly to the person to know how they would react or respond in a situation. You just know, because you know them. This is the relationship I want to develop.

There is little doubt in my mind that I was made to great. I have extraordinary dreams that I will accomplish before I die. As kids, we all aspire to be the most magnificent people, with the jobs that are most rewarding. We were dreamers; I was going to play in the NBA. I did have a back up plan if my basketball skills were not quite up to standard, Plan B was to be the General Manager of the Phoenix Suns, with Plan C being an astronaut. People would tell me the odds, that 1 in every 10 million people achieve these positions, and without skipping a beat, I would tell them that I am that 1. I never grew out of this mindset, although my goals did change, my dreams for my life still large.

I don't have a plan, I have dreams. I am convinced that these dreams will be realized. I am convinced that I do not need a lot, I just need his hand on a little, and it explodes; the good becomes great.

i will travel the world.
i will preach to thousands.
i will see people healed.
i will see people saved.
i will see people forever changed.

RJP

I am on a quest to live stress-free joy-filled every moment of everyday. I have yet to be successful for an entire day, or even come close. Since I have decided to pursue this lifestyle, I am able to say that I have not had a 'rough' day. I often have bad moments, and many days, numerous bad moments strung together, but when I feel my problem start to outweigh his presence it offers the necessity to stop, regain my focus, and continue with life.
The kingdom consists of righteous, joy, and peace. If I am apart of the kingdom and the kingdom lives inside of me, should not I always have righteous, joy, and peace? The kingdom does not leave me, so why do not I always have the fruit of tree?
In reality, I do not really believe what I say is possible to live. I do not really think that the kingdom is active within my person all the time. Even when I am acting the role, I often feel plastic and fake. It is a slower than desired process of changing my thinking to what I know that I am from what I think I am, from who I think I deserve to become. What am I letting rob my joy, my peace? When I let the kingdom be fully realized internally my external atmosphere will leak such joy and peace. When I learn to always recognize the lies I daily believe about myself rather than the truth that is available to me my life will leak such joy and peace. When I am able to live the concept that I am made in the image of God, that who is fitting my life on his hand like a glove, rather than believing that he is mad at me and dissappointed with me, my life will leak such joy and peace. When I identify that I do have joy and peace as a part of my dna, it becomes a matter of letting it out rather than searching to find it.