For the first time in three years, I live in a place of relative permanence. I feel the pressures of becoming and conforming to the mold of what one does fresh out of college. Find a job, buy a house, get into excesses of debt and spend the rest of my life attempting to rid myself of those handcuffs. I know that I am not cut out for the average mold, the American stereotype living in suburbia does not suit me. Nevertheless, this is all that I see in front of me.
I have Jesus, and we have our dreams; I felt pulled back to my roots, the scenery much the same, the people have much changed. I am a new person, a renovation of the man that left 3 years ago. I have learned, I have grown, I have failed, and I have succeeded. But the true test of who I am and who I continue to become exists in being the changed and being the change from where the unchanged began.
I can be a new person in a new place. That is simply a task of defining my own reputation in a place with little preconceived opinion. It is where old habits lay dormant and former routines wait to be handled once more, where aged reputations serve as blockades for breakthroughs. It is here where the integrity of my identity will be subjected to its greatest adversary. Stand or engage with the comfortable worn down road of yesterday?
The kingdom is unshakable.
The kingdom breathes within me.
I will be the kingdom.
I will be unshakable.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The back of the book
5 days remain in my sojourn as a resident in Redding. Mixed emotions have become a staple in recent months. There is a sadness that is triggered when I think of the people I'm leaving, the experiences I've had, the opportunities left to fall. Then there is an excitement, a feeling of freedom; not going to a new place, but to a familiar home, a new person.
An uncontrollable smile was what I came to Redding with. Filled with excitement and curiosity to experience life on my own, to grow up, to try and fail, to learn then succeed. A quiet arrogance, that I had Jesus and life figured out, possessed me. I had been entrusted to carry and release His fragrance like these students had never experienced. I was confident, or so I thought, in reality, I was ignorant.
A frustrating year of not seeing a movement rise like I had seen in my dreams. A summer followed of heartache and betrayal. The plug was pulled on my emotions, my confidence, my identity was swallowed. The only thing I needed was to return to the haven that I loved, a place where I could be free again, but the return was different. The unscathed smile was forgotten. A hollow shell of what first came one year before was all that remained.
Stripped of knowledge, emotion, confidence, I forgot how to be loved, I forgot how to be happy, I had forgotten how to be sad, I forgot how to feel, I forgot who I was. Dreams were shattered, I was unsure of what it meant to be Andrew, and I hear these words "the fastest way to stop the hurting, is to stop feeling" - shutting it all down to avoid the painful. It was time to rebuild.
Round three, a summer spent with cautioned guard, unwilling to repeat the previous story. A reformation ensued; becoming stronger; rediscovering value. Hours pass searching with my eyes closed and face buried in the ground. Direction is what I wanted, identity is what I found. Posing questions of where and what, getting answers of who. Sifting through and burning away fear and pain to find the authenticity in the person who makes me.
The possessing false confidence that lacked humility had been broken and replaced. Poise in who He is, assurance in the numbered steps, humility to face who I am not, loved for who I am, and the pursuit of the realization as the man He and I dreamed about.
I am Andrew Paul Hogg.
Arizona I hope you are ready.
I am back.
An uncontrollable smile was what I came to Redding with. Filled with excitement and curiosity to experience life on my own, to grow up, to try and fail, to learn then succeed. A quiet arrogance, that I had Jesus and life figured out, possessed me. I had been entrusted to carry and release His fragrance like these students had never experienced. I was confident, or so I thought, in reality, I was ignorant.
A frustrating year of not seeing a movement rise like I had seen in my dreams. A summer followed of heartache and betrayal. The plug was pulled on my emotions, my confidence, my identity was swallowed. The only thing I needed was to return to the haven that I loved, a place where I could be free again, but the return was different. The unscathed smile was forgotten. A hollow shell of what first came one year before was all that remained.
Stripped of knowledge, emotion, confidence, I forgot how to be loved, I forgot how to be happy, I had forgotten how to be sad, I forgot how to feel, I forgot who I was. Dreams were shattered, I was unsure of what it meant to be Andrew, and I hear these words "the fastest way to stop the hurting, is to stop feeling" - shutting it all down to avoid the painful. It was time to rebuild.
Round three, a summer spent with cautioned guard, unwilling to repeat the previous story. A reformation ensued; becoming stronger; rediscovering value. Hours pass searching with my eyes closed and face buried in the ground. Direction is what I wanted, identity is what I found. Posing questions of where and what, getting answers of who. Sifting through and burning away fear and pain to find the authenticity in the person who makes me.
The possessing false confidence that lacked humility had been broken and replaced. Poise in who He is, assurance in the numbered steps, humility to face who I am not, loved for who I am, and the pursuit of the realization as the man He and I dreamed about.
I am Andrew Paul Hogg.
Arizona I hope you are ready.
I am back.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Conversations
I’m finding the simplest way to diverting my focus in prayer is turning my awareness from Him towards myself. It is to keep myself watching my own mind and trying to produce feelings in respect to the prayer in which I’m praying. When I am expressing repentance and walking into forgiveness, to start manufacturing feelings for myself of forgiveness. When praying for boldness, to discredit my prayer unless I can produce some kind of courageous feeling to hold the coattails of my prayers. It is an attempt to assess the value of my prayer based on the intensity of emotional response I feel post-prayer; never considering how the internal feelings related are subject to my current physical state or whether or not I am tired, sick, or well.
What is the object in which I am directing my thoughts and concerns, my requests and needs, my hopes and my dreams? It is a composition of genuine and ridiculous invalid ingredients. It is the influence of culture, people, scripture, experience, my own person, and unknowingly long list. What would it look like, how would my intimacy shape if I could consciously order my prayers as not what I think He is but as what He knows himself to be?
I want to set aside all my thoughts and images, or at least, fully recognize their natural subjectivity and completely develop confidence in the external, invisible Presence with me in the room.
I want to find this unaffected nakedness in prayer.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
In or Out
A professor of mine once got me thinking about cliche phrases and words. Ever since that conversation, one particular phrase has been somewhat bothersome to me "God showed up".
Last night I stood in the shower, the place of best thought, I debated the idea of the trinity and the way the church has taught it to date. My thoughts shifted to how the Spirit is portrayed in the Old Testament with more emphasis on the Spirit coming on people for power and transformation and leaving as the focused task was completed. Then it occurred to me, this ancient paradigm of the Spirit coming and going in and on our lives, this is how we treat the Spirit today.
"God showed up" - did you think it wasn't on His to do list today? I was promised years ago that my God would be with me and live in me forever. I am convinced that He does not come and go in my life just as I come and go in a room. I treat him as if I need to entice the spirit to come.
If the Spirit is living in me and with me, is it not more of a matter of him coming, but rather letting him out?
I do not have to work for the attention of my Father. My identity as a son cannot be taken from me. I need to start living from being a son instead of competing to be a son.
I do not have to compete.
Last night I stood in the shower, the place of best thought, I debated the idea of the trinity and the way the church has taught it to date. My thoughts shifted to how the Spirit is portrayed in the Old Testament with more emphasis on the Spirit coming on people for power and transformation and leaving as the focused task was completed. Then it occurred to me, this ancient paradigm of the Spirit coming and going in and on our lives, this is how we treat the Spirit today.
"God showed up" - did you think it wasn't on His to do list today? I was promised years ago that my God would be with me and live in me forever. I am convinced that He does not come and go in my life just as I come and go in a room. I treat him as if I need to entice the spirit to come.
If the Spirit is living in me and with me, is it not more of a matter of him coming, but rather letting him out?
I do not have to work for the attention of my Father. My identity as a son cannot be taken from me. I need to start living from being a son instead of competing to be a son.
I do not have to compete.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Clarity in Chaos
My life has lately resembled that of one who is unsure and confused, thoughts without order, a mind of chaos without rest. Feeling confident of things and in a moment experience completely opposing desires, motives, and thoughts. It is a roller-coaster of internal expressions. I've always been one who has loved going to church. Ever since I was young, church was the highlight of my life. I was unconcerned with what was going on or who was going to be there, if I could get in the front door, I wanted to be at church. There was no rhyme or reason for my fascination with church, it was simply a place I loved.
In the last few months I have begun to feel as though I was a young boy again, just loving being at church. Although my reasons and actions different. It is the only place where I experience rest from the barrage of confliction. If there is even a chance that Jesus is going to be there, it is all I want to be in that place. I have found the only place of clarity among the chaos is in the Presence. It can only be described as the place where I feel as though I fit in my own skin. It is the only place where I have felt unwavering confidence in decisions, desires, and motives. This is the result of rubbing shoulders with that which is wisdom; this is the result of Him reminding me of His goodness.
If there is one thing I am convinced of, it is that the more time I spend in the Presence, the better my life is.
This creates an interesting tension in my life. The more time I spend in His Presence, the hungrier I am to get back into it. I leave entirely satisfied and fulfilled, yet wanting so much more. I am learning to live my life from the Presence.
I want to forget how to live without Him.
In the last few months I have begun to feel as though I was a young boy again, just loving being at church. Although my reasons and actions different. It is the only place where I experience rest from the barrage of confliction. If there is even a chance that Jesus is going to be there, it is all I want to be in that place. I have found the only place of clarity among the chaos is in the Presence. It can only be described as the place where I feel as though I fit in my own skin. It is the only place where I have felt unwavering confidence in decisions, desires, and motives. This is the result of rubbing shoulders with that which is wisdom; this is the result of Him reminding me of His goodness.
If there is one thing I am convinced of, it is that the more time I spend in the Presence, the better my life is.
This creates an interesting tension in my life. The more time I spend in His Presence, the hungrier I am to get back into it. I leave entirely satisfied and fulfilled, yet wanting so much more. I am learning to live my life from the Presence.
I want to forget how to live without Him.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Erasing
Still mulling over the same issues previously written about, I found my self reviewing the notes I had taken in my phone's notepad. I came across this:
Fear is an awareness of what I am lacking. Fear invites the spirit of confusion. Every problem's solution we see lives inside of us. My external feelings do not always correspond to my internal reality. Learn to cultivate a thankful heart in the midst of fear. Do not let circumstances control me, a kingdom mindset is not controlled by circumstances....the kingdom is unshakeable.
I am thankful for what I have experienced in the last three years.
I am thankful that I will only continue to learn, grow, and become stronger.
I am thankful that I have and will encounter my God.
I am thankful I have choices.
I am thankful I get to choose Him.
I am thankful.
Fear is an awareness of what I am lacking. Fear invites the spirit of confusion. Every problem's solution we see lives inside of us. My external feelings do not always correspond to my internal reality. Learn to cultivate a thankful heart in the midst of fear. Do not let circumstances control me, a kingdom mindset is not controlled by circumstances....the kingdom is unshakeable.
I am thankful for what I have experienced in the last three years.
I am thankful that I will only continue to learn, grow, and become stronger.
I am thankful that I have and will encounter my God.
I am thankful I have choices.
I am thankful I get to choose Him.
I am thankful.
Friday, May 1, 2009
selfish
Worry and stress have become staples in my life. I am fully aware of the possibility of living without such poisons, however I continually feed on them, with nothing to show for it. Fear is hiding at the root of my worry and stress, fear for the uncertain, fear for change, fear for complacency.
I have sat alone hour upon hour discussing, analyzing, begging, pleading, surrenduring my plans, my intentions, and my dreams, both current and future. It is in this where my fear grows; where there lies a great uncertainty in the union of my plans and His. I fear leaving behind the wonderful friendships, certain of gaining new ones and reviving old ones, but loving where I am and who I am with now.
More and more, I am realizing my stress and worry is in its essence selfishness. Taking complete ownership for things that have been given to me as if I authored them myself. Stress is the result of forgetting His goodness and the utter goodness of His plan and intentions for my immediate life and future. I convince myself that my plans and goals, as good as they may be, will not be achieved barring a significant change in my life. Simply:
i fear God's plan
I've worked 9/5 while living in a city I did not want to live in, worked jobs I hated, attended schools I loathed, all because I felt it was what I was supposed to be doing. Coming out of that, everything apart of me avoids returning to those places, those places of routine, complacency, and boredom. I know it will all work together for good, I know there are things that are coming that I cannot see, nevertheless these feelings of returning to a familiar boredom frightens me.
35 days.
I have sat alone hour upon hour discussing, analyzing, begging, pleading, surrenduring my plans, my intentions, and my dreams, both current and future. It is in this where my fear grows; where there lies a great uncertainty in the union of my plans and His. I fear leaving behind the wonderful friendships, certain of gaining new ones and reviving old ones, but loving where I am and who I am with now.
More and more, I am realizing my stress and worry is in its essence selfishness. Taking complete ownership for things that have been given to me as if I authored them myself. Stress is the result of forgetting His goodness and the utter goodness of His plan and intentions for my immediate life and future. I convince myself that my plans and goals, as good as they may be, will not be achieved barring a significant change in my life. Simply:
i fear God's plan
I've worked 9/5 while living in a city I did not want to live in, worked jobs I hated, attended schools I loathed, all because I felt it was what I was supposed to be doing. Coming out of that, everything apart of me avoids returning to those places, those places of routine, complacency, and boredom. I know it will all work together for good, I know there are things that are coming that I cannot see, nevertheless these feelings of returning to a familiar boredom frightens me.
35 days.
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