selfish

Worry and stress have become staples in my life. I am fully aware of the possibility of living without such poisons, however I continually feed on them, with nothing to show for it. Fear is hiding at the root of my worry and stress, fear for the uncertain, fear for change, fear for complacency.

I have sat alone hour upon hour discussing, analyzing, begging, pleading, surrenduring my plans, my intentions, and my dreams, both current and future. It is in this where my fear grows; where there lies a great uncertainty in the union of my plans and His. I fear leaving behind the wonderful friendships, certain of gaining new ones and reviving old ones, but loving where I am and who I am with now.

More and more, I am realizing my stress and worry is in its essence selfishness. Taking complete ownership for things that have been given to me as if I authored them myself. Stress is the result of forgetting His goodness and the utter goodness of His plan and intentions for my immediate life and future. I convince myself that my plans and goals, as good as they may be, will not be achieved barring a significant change in my life. Simply:

i fear God's plan

I've worked 9/5 while living in a city I did not want to live in, worked jobs I hated, attended schools I loathed, all because I felt it was what I was supposed to be doing. Coming out of that, everything apart of me avoids returning to those places, those places of routine, complacency, and boredom. I know it will all work together for good, I know there are things that are coming that I cannot see, nevertheless these feelings of returning to a familiar boredom frightens me.

35 days.